My Own Cheering Squad

Recovery has been the hardest mountion I’ve ever had to climb.
It’s path is filled with stumbling stones.

And I fall on almost every single one of them.
Skin my knees, and crack my heart from shame.

Then I rise,
No matter how hard the fall was.

But it’s a silent victory.
Privet between me and the shards of heart growing back together.

I have no crowd clapping for me.
I do not win a gold medal.

No one knows.
How every bite is a battle.
and how my hands tremble just to pick up that fork.

And every time I turn away from the mirror,
Don’t let your diet culture comments get to me,    
I am waging a war with my mind.

But you don’t see that.
You don’t hear the voices.
You don’t hear the eating disorder scream, scorn and make me feel worthless.
You don’t hear the new girl that emerged shut them down.

You watched me heal,
Pick up all my broken peices,
And create myself into a person.

You watched me cry through meals,
Break down from seeing myself in the mirror,
And refuse to go out in public.

But now I am brave.
I am healing.
Do what I need to do. 

I eat my meals,
and stay behavior free.

But don’t forget,
It’s still a huge struggle.

Just it’s a quiet battle.

Yes it did get easier,
but the silent victories get painful.

I am ashamed to say it aloud,
But I want the gold star.

Maybe one day you will see this, maybe not.

God and I know how deep the pain runs.
For now that’s enough.

It’s hard, it’s so so hard.

when I win a battle,
I’ll have to clap for myself.
Give myself the credit and gold star.

I am a recovery worrior.
Brave.
Strong.
Able to do anything.

Sometimes it feels weird to be my only fan,
But if no one is clapping, and just expecting it all from me,
I’ll be my own cheering squad.

And between me and my heart I deserve the credit.