I was hiding. In the dark. All alone. From an outsiders prospective one would think I was playing a fun game of hide and go seek, and that eventually the game would be over, and I would be found. Everything would be good, and I would move on.
From my perspective, it was so dark, so lonely, and terrifying. I was hiding. But, from myself. From the world. The dark was so thick it felt tangible. Sometimes I even imagined myself swimming through the dark, or cutting it with a pair of scissors. The problem was, I was stuck. And that was the secret no one knew. So no one came to rescue me. They figured I would just come out of my hiding place, myself.
I sat in the same spot for years. Dark. Cold. Lonely. Tired. I imagined it would be this way forever, and ever. I got used to the dark overtime. Sometimes I couldn’t even remember how the sun looked. Sometimes, I wished someone would come and rescue me from the terrifying place. But it seemed as if they all gave up on me.
This is how my eating disorder felt. I thought I would suffer the rest of my life.
But during my darkest time, I saw a peak at the sun. It was for one split second. And it was that second I played over and over in my mind until I convinced myself that I will see that sun again. I have too. And I will do everything I need to get to that place.
It was a terrifying journey, but one I do not regret. I pushed myself passed my limits. I cried oceans of tears. I wanted to give up so many times. But I knew I wanted to see the light. I wanted to BE the light.
I keep climbing everyday. Fighting. Becoming stronger.
I no longer need to hide and be ashamed of who I am. We all have our unique journeys and paths. But, if we fight, we will reach the light.