All the experiences I’ve endured in my life have softened my heart,
And I pick up other people’s hurt very quickly.
I deeply feel their pain and when I see someone struggling, I want to help them.
I forget about taking care of myself and what I need to do to feel ok.
I don’t do my self-care and I can skip a meal or 2 or 3.
Especially when I am asked to help someone, I feel like I must do it and do it now.
It is almost like they are telling me; you can’t eat, you can’t take care of yourself because I need you now.
I help them but before I know it is am dizzy tried and have a fasting headache. My anxiety escalates and I can’t function at my best. My thoughts come back and become really difficult to fight agents. My brain becomes fuzzy, and I can’t even think straight. All that’s in my mind are thoughts about how I am not good enough, I don’t deserve to eat, and I am not worth anything. I Spiral down into an awful whirlpool of negative self-destructive thoughts that are extremely difficult to get out of.
And then you come and ask me for another favor. But I feel totally wrung out, like a phone on five percent and a half dead human. I am desperate for some permission to eat, but even that is too much to ask for. I snap some nasty comment and hurt you. My pain is choking me, and I have no brain space left, not even any for myself.
All I’ve done here was hurt myself and hurt you.
I am my priority. Those words make me cringe, and I don’t believe that, even though it’s true. When I eat, and practice self-care, I am happier, I can function at my best and give myself to others without feeling like a phone on 5 percent. So, when you ask for me to help you, I will tell you I can help you soon, but I need to eat first. No one can fill from an empty cup. My recovery must come first so that everything I love in my life will not come last.
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