Are you listening?
really listening?
Please don’t be mistaken who I am.
For I wear a mask.
A mask I won’t take off.
I can’t take off.
Over the years I’ve learned to master the art of pretending.
Because what I hide can never be shown.
You think that I am confident, happy and content.
That all is calm and peaceful and I am strong on my own two feet.
My surface seems smooth, but my surface is a mask.
And under it is a lonely, anxious, and broken heart.
Second guessing every choice I make.
But I will hide this at all cost.
I can never allow my pain and weakness to be exposed.
I panic just thinking you will find out.
I panic that you will look and you will see.
The vulnerable girl I am inside.
The loneliness I feel.
The hurt.
The shame.
The guilt.
The anxiety that chokes me.
So I wear a mask and I pretend,
and to protect me from that look that knows.
Such a glance is my salvation, my only hope.
And I know that.
But only if there is love and acceptance after you look and you see.
It’s the only way the chains around my heart will unlock.
And I will be freed from myself.
The thick walls of ice around me,
that assure me what I can’t assure myself,
That I am not totally and completely worthless.
But I can never tell you this.
And I won’t.
I am afraid.
You won’t understand.
You will laugh at my pain,
And think less of me.
That will kill me.
I am worried that I am totally and completely worthless.
I and you will see this and reject me.
And so, I play my game of pretending,
Speaking about everything that’s really nothing,
And nothing that is really everything.
The pain that fills my very being.
The shame and guilt that chase me.
And the prison of anxiety that I am locked in.
And so as I am going through my day,
Are you listening, past what I say at face value?
Are you listening,
To my cries muffled by the shower?
To all the words that I am not saying?
To the pain that is hidden behind my mask?
I don’t want to pretend.
I don’t like hiding beneath a facade.
I want to be genuine and real but you got to help me.
Please reach your hand out and take mine in it.
Hold me gently.
And every time you are kind and understanding, because you really care.
That pulls me a little bit out of the darkness that I live in every day.
My heart is healing,
Slowly,
But it’s healing.
I thought I would never be ok.
You alone can help me,
If you choose to,
Please choose to.
Save me from my lonely world,
Of darkness and shame.
Guilt and hurt.
Pain and anger.
Please keep trying to reach me.
Even though I keep pushing you away.
You are my only hope,
And I know this.
But I have built walls of ice around me,
Walls I am terrified to take down.
If you listen,
Really listen.
You will see,
How very dear you are to me.
I need your help more than anything else now.
Keep showing me your love, your kindness and acceptance,
And the walls of ice that surround me will thaw.
You will find the key to unlock my heart.