I scroll through my phone for the umpteenth time & sigh
The weather forecast predicts a hot & humid day in the eighties
Tomorrow’s workout seems impossible
Oh, how will I manage
Will I even get to venture outdoors?
Can I brave the strong heat
Or graciously embrace defeat
Do I absolutely must??
Can I be flexible & my schedule adjust
My daily walk
Swimming if I’m lucky
To tone the excessive talk
The unceasing berate of those extra & unnecessary calories
Its urgency to eliminate
Is a constant & stressful debate
The stifling pressure I simply hate
Consumes my very self
A day doesn’t pass that I don’t obsess
And count each step
No less
Measure by the minutes & then the hour
I simply can’t seem to curb the daily grind
Compulsive exercise mind
It literally feels like it’s against my power
A monster turned sour
Morning dawns bright & early
I can hear the sweet sounds of birds chirping so cheerily
But for me darknesses still reigns
I awake with this huge pit in my stomach
Butterflies & a strong tingling that makes my heart race
Feelings of a frightening sensation so deep
My very being out of anticipation creeps
Anxiety rockets sky high
Again, I give a long suffering sigh
Oh, why oh why
Can’t I simply relax
Utilize Hashem precious gift to the max
My -BH- functioning body truly appreciate
The fact that I can make choices & with joyful movement rotate
Not to experience this ongoing pressure to perform
At a specific rigid rate conform
Live a life of utter contentment
Free from Ed & its nasty gait
A life that’s not filled with constant worry, unhappiness & gloom
And learn it’s okay to accept rest & “feel” an impending doom
Today was especially hard
I tried to swallow the bitter taste of disappointment
The silent sobs that threatened to overtake my very being
I held back tight from acting on a compensatory behavior which promised to feel so gratifying & freeing
It ain’t easy my beloved friend
The pain still feels so piercing and intense
When & how will this ever end?
But the choice is mine
I could either hurt & wallow in self pity
Or I could refrain from sabotage
My very precious existence retain
And take my Sefer Tehillem
Hoping it helps properly reframe
The torrent of thoughts, pain & overwhelm tame
For you see it’s Rosh Chodesh day
A time for renewal, gratitude & joy
And while it’s true there’s been a change of plans
It’s not an intentional ploy
And that it’s okay
“Okay” to feel all the feels
And still courageously say
It wasn’t meant to be
It’s not bashert…for today
I can fill my time in other great ways
I have so much to give
A beautiful life to live
And know that something better awaits me
There’s always another tomorrow
Another chance to “exercise” my G-D given power
The power to choose
My own special B’chiyrah (choice) not to abuse
Allow my dear & weary body take a rest
So I can give it my absolute best
Pass this challenge, this difficult test
And greet each day with renewed energy
My kind heart & soul fully invest
Make it the best & fulfilling one yet!
And loudly & confidently,
Sincerely proclaim
Cuz this is what Hashem wants!!!!
If I get to exercise or not
I still have to offer lots!!!